so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
