So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.