my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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