Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
