omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
