Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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