I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
