break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
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I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
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I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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