In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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