can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
