i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
