He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
