God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
