My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
