I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
