After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
