he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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