so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
