You made me cry and you don't even care
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
