she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
