I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
