i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
