He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Randomize
