if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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