Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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