they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
