I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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