Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize