there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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