he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
