He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
