He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
