The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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