I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
