and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
