Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
