She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
