I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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