I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My life is pants optional.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
