i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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