My first STD was from a foam party
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
