She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
