We won't sleep together?
I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
