we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
