I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
