i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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