Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
