so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
