Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
