Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
