Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
