Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
