Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize
