I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
