If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
how drunk are you?
Several
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
